J. Mark Bertrand, Ninja Master

Posted by J. Mark Bertrand
on Tuesday, July 12, 2005
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I've been outed by my wife Laurie, who blogged today about my teenage ambition to become a ninja. This was after I had given up on becoming a private detective, but before my decision to enter the world of international espionage. One summer, I drove a post into the ground in our back yard and spent hours throwing shuriken at it while wearing my ninja suit (which was made of stiff cotton and was about the unstealthiest attire one could wear. I didn't realize the throwing stars needed to be sharpened, so mine invariably bounced off the wood -- sometimes right back at me, forcing me to make a lame effort at a ninja handspring to get out of the way. One of them actually hit me, too, but it did no damage. Somehow, even that didn't clue me in.

All the while, my younger brother Stephen would sit on the deck and taunt me. "You're not going to be a ninja," he said. "Last summer you were going to be a detective, and look what happened." I had to focus my Chi to tune him out. He was particularly unsupportive when I attempted to master the art of creeping up behind him. My ninja suit went swish, swish as I crept, hands extended like a blind man feeling for obstacles. The special rubber-soled ninja shoes were not particularly quiet, either, and I had a hard time fastening the uppers over my already-thick calves, so they flapped a bit. Even so, Stephen sat still, seemingly oblivious to the black doom approaching from behind. He watched TV until the last possible moment, and then said, "I heard you coming all the way from the door. You'll never be a ninja."

Alas, he was right. And I soon forgot all about that dream until Laurie went digging in the upstairs closet and found my copy of Ninja Secrets of Invisibility. For the rest of the story, read about it at Liquid Paper.

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Also, another link to check out (and this one has nothing to do with my misguided ambitions) is Jared's post at Thinklings.org about Bono's quite moving presentation of the gospel. It makes me want to spend the rest of the evening downloading U2 albums at iTunes as a form of thanks.